How is it that I have gotten to age 36 -almost 37- without having a clue as to what to do to earn a living? I want it to be something I enjoy doing, since I will be doing it 8 or 9 hours a day, 5 or more days a week. And I want it to be something I can get paid well to do, and something I am good at. That leaves vast, unmarked territories of possibility to explore. And there is some urgency-I need a job now. How to differentiate between a job and a vocation? Ideally, there would be no disconnect between the two. I have done a lot of things, mostly but just taking whatever came along, but I am tired of that. It is not satisfying. It’s like eating a dinner of grilled cheese and soup when what you really want is a huge salad and baked sweet potato; it will fill you up, but that’s all it will do.
So much of this dilemma hinges on the fact that my daughter, who has been the driving force of everything I do from the moment she was conceived, is nearly an adult. A year and a half from now, she will be all grown up. Without her presence and her need of me, I am lost as to what my dreams are at all. Being the INFP personality that I am, I want my presence in the world to have made an impact, to have left this place better than I found it. But I am lost. And these woods are alternately scary, beautiful, exciting, and even menacing, but I am not even very sure I want to leave them.
